Wednesday, March 14, 2012

My fight with food.

Before I was pregnant and while I was carrying my little one, I never had a thought that I would not breastfeed my child.  It was a beautiful and natural thing and I would do what was best for my baby.  It was supposed to be this amazing thing that created a bond between mother and child that nothing else could.

Little did I know, how DIFFICULT it would be.  This is not the movies people, this is real life!  And real life does not always present itself in the way you formed it in your mind.  Unfortunately, I am not having the experience with breast feeding that I envisioned.  It is sad and I am guilty about it....but I am so ready to give up on it.

From day one, Owen has never really taken to my boob.  First of all, everytime I have tried to put him to my breast, he freaks out and starts inconsolably crying.  I try to get him latched on, but he is not having it.  He screams and wails...pulling his head back and there is nothing that is going to get him to calm down and eat.  Secondly, I guess I have funny shaped nipples and have to use a nipple shield to get him to latch on.  If (a big if) and when he actually does latch on, he clamps down so hard that I am screaming in pain! 

It has become such a stressful situation that he doesn't want to do it, I don't want to do it, and so on.  I know that "breast is best", but I would kind of like to keep my nipples and can't deal with the stress of him screaming and me crying.  It is definetely not a bonding time.

So, we decided that I would just pump.  That way Owen would still be getting my milk.  Win Win, right?  No...I am still not happy.  Now I am not trying to be a spoiled brat about this, but I HATE pumping.  I have to sit in my bedroom with suction cups stuck to my boobs sucking the hell out of my nipples all while Darren gets to feed Owen out of a bottle, change his diapers, love on him, BOND!  How is it fair that he gets to bond, and I don't?

This whole experience has been horrible!  It is not at all what I thought it would be.  It's really pretty sad.  No one ever told me that it would be easy....I guess I just assumed.  Most women that it!  They wouldn't have it any other way.  I just don't feel it.  I don't have that instinct. 

I don't want my nipples sucked on.
I don't want them to hurt anymore.
I don't want to have leaky boobs.
I don't want to miss out on time with my child.

Please tell me that I am not a horrible mother.  Please tell me that a Happy Mom = a Happy Baby.  Please tell me that I am not a failure for switching to formula (I haven't made the switch yet).

I am tired of this fight with food.


Mrs. G said...

Breastfeeding doesn't = good mom. It sounds like you and Owen will both be happier with the bottle. If attempting to nurse brings anxiety to both of you, it's not going to work.
Noah was the same exact way for the first month. He would turn his head the other way and scream when I tried to offer a breast. I took several deep breaths, was patient, and he finally figured it out after a couple of weeks. It definitely isn''t easy. And decided to give him formula isn't the end of the world.
Good luck, Kel! Call me if you need anything!
I'm sure you're doing great!

mama foosa said...

Best of luck with your decision.

I will say those first couple months of breastfeeding were HARD. I hurt. I cried. I know how you feel.

If it doesn't work out for you, that doesn't mean you failed. but if you do want to keep trying - perhaps try a lactation consultation? la leche league? there's a lot of support out there (not saying you're not trying...I can absolutely tell you're trying, but just know there are resources if you need them)

Best of luck! Everything about parenting is difficult but at the end of the day, if your baby is fed and happy, that's all that matters :) Be kind to yourself, mama.

Ashley said...

Keep trying. Formula is, by no means, a failure. Neither is pumped breast milk. I encourage you to keep trying though. Babies change daily and just when you think you're ready to throw in the towel, they prove you wrong! :)