Break

I am taking a well deserved break this cycle.  No temping, No OPK's, no obsessing over HPT's.  Just a month (or more probably) of D and I being D and I!  I am so excited! 

We leave on Thursday for our trip to Florida.  10 glorious days of soakin up the sun!  And as I slip from reality, I am taking this little gem with me:

Talk about amazing!  I'm lovin' it! I don't really care to see the movie, because let's face it.....the movie never lives up to the book!  I'm just excited to slip away into a different world for a little while.  I am almost done.  eeekkkk!

What should I have as back up for my fun in the sun?

Defeat

One would think that after 11 cycles of failure, the feeling of defeat wouldn't be so present.  But it is.  It's still there.  Everytime I look at that blank test.  Everytime I realize that I cannot give my husband what he so badly wants, what we so badly want!  Everytime I think that I may never be a mom.

I was very hopeful about this cycle, but my hopes were suddenly crushed when I looked at my thermometer this morning.  A huge temp drop.  So here I sit, wating for my period to make its appearance.

At this point, I don't know what to do.  I am so heartbroken. 

Of course I know how lucky I am to have a husband that loves me for me.  I have a beautiful fur baby who loves me unconditionally (and loves to comfort me while I cry).  A great house.  A great job.  A great life.  Except in this department. 

Maybe I need to turn my way of thinking around (easier said than done).  I need to be happy with me!  I think maybe a cycle off before moving to IUI will do me good!

Was He Talking To Me????

D and I went to church yesterday to watch one of our cousin's baby's dedication.  Now, I spent most of my teenage years in a church that I loved.  When I came to live in VA, I could not find a church that lived up to my expectations, lame..I know.... so I didn't go.  D's family doesn't really go to church all that often and he has pretty much refused to go with me even though I tell him that he can wear jeans.  haha...gotta get him in there somehow.

Well, yesterday, I go him to go with the whole family.  It was a really great contemporary church that had a laid back way.  The sermon was all about letting go of your burdens so that you can get through your sorrows.  There was a song that was supposed to be cute and funny, but it made me cry.  It was about a woman that lost her keys and got a ticket on her way to work.  How does that relate to me?  Well, I took it to the bigger picture.  The chorus talked about how we can get so caught up in "our" big ol mess, that we forget that we are so so blessed.  I truly need to remind myself of this each and every day!

D and I may be going through the roughest of rough times right now, but we are SO SO blessed!  We have an amazing life right here in front of us.  It is passing us by while we are wrapped up in infertility and loss. 

I don't know if God was talking directly to me or not, but I want to say "God, I heard you....loud and clear.  I know that you have a plan for us and although I cannot promise that I will let go completely, I will try my hardest to be patient.  I know that you will continue to bless us in ways that we never knew imaginable".

Smiling through Sorrow

I have to admit that yesterday was not the easiest day that I have been through to date.  To be completely honest, it was pretty difficult to get through.  To think that I should have been celebrated this year, just twists the knife that has been inbedded in me since last fall.  Had the miscarriage not happened, I would be due in just one short month.  I would have gotten to celebrate with everyone else.  I would have gotten Mother's Day cards from everyone.  It just kills me everytime I think about it.

I even got an apology, can you believe it? ...Here's how it went down....

Me: Happy Mother's Day!
OP: Thanks, you too....oh wait, sorry. (did you really just take it back?)
Me:  I am a mother....I have a child, he just happens to be hairy and drools alot!
OP: Yeah, you are....sorry I said that.

What the heck?

Now that it's over, I can just hope and pray that I will not have to survive next Mother's Day without a child.

Careful what you wish for

I have spent the first 20 days of this cycle looking for that second line on an OPK.  Testing twice a day resulted in being dissapointed twice a day.  Now....I have no clue what is going on, but I have had a blaringly positive result within seconds for 4 days in a row.  I mean, the test line comes up before the control line could even think about joining in.  4 days???? Are you kidding me????  What the heck is going on?  Let's get this show on the road!

Here is what my test looked like this morning....

some kind of something

My body has actually done something.  Last night on CD23, I got a VERY positive OPK.  This morning the test line came up before the control line.....


I am so hopeful that we may have a chance after all.  I would love to be able to conceive naturally (except with Clomid).  If I were to go to a fortune teller today, she would say "hmmmm, i see alot of sex in your near future".

cycle manipulation

I am going to go ahead and say that this cycle = a big fat bust!  I am done with it!  Over it!  It appears that my body is not going to do its thing yet again.

With that said, our decision to move to IUI is weighing heavy on me and I am uber excited!  I am so ready to get started.  What's stopping me you ask?  A vacation to FL.  We will be gone from Thursday to the following Sunday (almost a week and a half) right smack dab in the middle of my cycle.

Enter calendar manipulation:  I am trying to plan my cycle to a T (which we all know is impossible....it has a mind of its own).  If I start taking Provera on this day, I will get my period on this day, and I can go in for CD3 baseline before I go and monitoring appt when I get home. cha right!

Sounds good, right?  I have a feeling that no matter what I try, my stubborn ass body is going to do as it pleases!  As usual!

I am only on CD23 right now, so I think I am going to give it until CD 32 and then Provera for 5 it is!

Anyone else obsess over the calendar days and attempt to guess what will happen when?  Or am I odd man out?

A New Plan

So, it looks like my little Easter eggs didn't care to make an appearance. sniff sniff I just don't understand....everything looked to be going great this cycle, and BAM....nothing!  I faxed Dr. M a copy of my chart on Thursday and he called me on Friday.  We talked about the fact that my body is just not wanting to cooperate.  He said that I had 3 options:

1. stay with him and go up to 150 mg of Clomid
2. go back to Dr. S and have an IUI done
3 go to UVA to do IVF

He also made comment that time is not on my side..."thank you very much Capt. Obvious"  Like I don't know that.  I am only 31 which is not old by any measure of the word.  However, in baby making years, I am getting up there.  I know that it is absolutely possible to have a healthy baby well into your thirties....but I would love for it to happen sooner than later!  The amnio scares the hell out of me!

Well, it's certainly too early in the game for me to choose IVF and since I was pregnant before, I have faith that it will happen again.  Unfortunatley, it's happening on its own time and not D and I's.

I am so tired of it all.  The big elephant in the room has over stayed his welcome!  I am ready for some relief.  We have decided that we are going to move on to IUI.  Although it will be expensive ( $1k per cycle since we are 100% OOP), it would be worth it to have a better chance.  Another good thing about IUI is that I don't have to temp and there will be NO MORE timed sex (*unless we want to, of course). 

Through the fear of it not working, I have immense excitement and hope.  My body just needs that extra little push.  In the end, the money will be a thing of history.  Once we are holding our sweet little boy or girl (possibly both....eeeekkk), it will be a worry of the past.

So, when you say???  We would love to do it this coming cycle, but we are going on a 1.5 week vacay to Florida and it happens to fall smack dab in the middle of when I would be cycling.  So, with that said, we may have to wait until June.  Which is fine.

Wish us luck, say some prayers, do what ever you think will help.  God only knows that we need it!